Someone Is Reading This Right Now

I'm the funniest person I know besides everyone else OR ways Jason could feasibly be fired

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:43:14 GMT

I'm giving a final exam to my Comm 100 class right now and bored to tears. So like a responsible 26 year old (not 28 as someone in my class mentioned before the test began, she's failing anyway but that's just another reason) I google myself. I'm behind a podium, don't worry, it's safe.
Low and behold I find this old rag doll! Good times, good times. I have to keep myself from laughing at my own wit and bitterness, as well as stop myself from thinking "holy shit it's been 2 years and I haven't changed one iota" except for the fact that I use words like 'iota' not because it's natural but I'm desperately trying to stay relevant. In related news, I discovered Facebook has a chat feature, who knew?
It occurred to me I haven't updated this thing since I first moved here. It also occurred to me that if anyone found this blog, my ass would be so fired. Let's talk about why:
1) I'm really crude- the Northwestern folk at TOC pointed out that "um, you talk about penis a lot". What can I say? I'm an open kinda guy. Back then my excuse was "I think it's important to keep communication honest", now my excuse is "after dropping 33 pounds on weight watchers I'm insatiably horny all the damn time"
2) Are you really supposed to facebook/livejournal in class?
3) Numerous pot references- did I post on this thing every time I got high? Seriously? Speaking of, last night I got back from TOC to discvoer my car was no longer functional and trapped at Dulles airport at 2am. When I got back to my luxurious one bedroom apartment (no more Alex, incidentally, we had a falling out. And by falling out I mean our lease expired), I stormed into my room pissed to the tits only to see a bowl lying on the nightstand. Sometimes I think God pisses me off, feels bad, and attempts to make amends. I give him a 75% effort on that one. So ironically, I am blogging about the last time I got high. Well that happened.

Since I've alluded to Chicago and will more than likely laugh at these memories when I rediscover this blog in the midst of my midlife crisis, let's chronicle the journey.
1) Arrive on Thursday to find Cori ready to get me drunk. Note last time I was in Chicago, I ended the trip on Cori feeding me a bottle of rum. With some wine in my system and shaggy hair on my head, Cori and her 'hey I have a certification from Paul Mitchell' persuade me to cut and color my hair. Apparently 'a shade and a half lighter' puts me on the verge of being a red head. So we'll answer that age old question about redheads having more fun in due time.
2) With my new hair, we head out to the gay bars of Chitown. God I miss that place. Highlights of the evening include making out with three boys, trying to convince one that Cori and I are the biggest Republicans ever ("you know what's better than universal health care? not having abortions"), and the evening comes to a close when my dear big sis can't handle her booze. Several Bradley alumns tell me I shouldn't be surprised.
3) Friday is spent reliving memories on campus and catching up with my old college friend Jen, who is now seeking to go hiking in Sweden with her boyfriend. About that...
4) I'd like to note as an interruption that's it's been 1.5 hours since I gave out this exam and more than half the class is still taking it. Really people? How hard can this be?
5) Saturday and Sunday, we ran a speech tournament. Yeah we did. Three way tie for first, damn you random tiebreakers! Saw Carter and the NU team, it was fun times to say the least. I think I may kidnap Dillon and bring him back to GMU, and no, it's not for the reasons any of you are thinking.
6) I bolt out on Sunday to get to the airport barely on time to discover a delayed flight and then a non-working car. Woot that was a blast.

Alright, that happened. Those of you who were friends with me back in the day, enjoy!

$200 of liqour in my freezer OR my first day without an ass

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 18:11:44 GMT

I'm in Virginia beginning my glorious and splendiferous job at George Mason University. Some highlights:
1. Driving two straight days from Austin to Fairfax. It's a haul, please believe it.
2. My roommate- he is totally the awesome! His name is Alex, the apartment we have is fucking amazing, and last night we got kinda hammered after buying about a 100 bucks worth of liqour (to go with the other 100 in liqour we already had) and ate take out Chinese food. We are so college! He's really chill and totally down with the fact that I have a Clay Aiken poster in my room.
3. Going to work- I showed up for my first work meeting (did you know GMU gives me an extra 10% of my paycheck and sticks it in an IRA? Isn't that awesome!) only to find out later that day that I had a giant rip in my ass. It was huge! Thankfully, no one from the Comm Department was there, but Chris is telling everyone about it. And I mean Alex!
4. My going away party- the students at UT threw me this AWESOME going away party complete with a mini kiddie pool filled with ice cream and delicious chicken biscuits. Sally is an amazing cook, the wine flowed, and it was the awesome.

More details to follow
JW

It has a sunroof! OR Why Can't He Be President?

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 20:53:43 GMT

Yes, it's been a while- but I blame UTNIF. It's hard to find time to update your LJ when you're running around teaching extemp and dorm dadding. But Jason, you say, when you're a dorm dad, you have nothing but time to sit around and do stuff! Not true friends- not true at all. Let's consider some of the distractions:
1) Online poker- I finally took the plunge with the help of my friend Alex. I now play online poker. So far, after about 4 days, I'm down a nickel. I'll return though...
2) Thesis- Still writing it...
3) Moving Details- secured an apartment with a guy named Alex (no relation to aforementioned Alex), so I'm good to go. The move is in about two weeks.
4) West Wing- Frank and I have decided Jeb Bartlett should run for president. Why? Cause he's fuckin awesome! My favorite moment so far (Gy has loaned me the DVD set: I've seen all of Season 1 and the beginning of Season 2 in the past week or so) is when the president bitches out the radio talk show therapist (Dr. Laura spoof), and she gets whats coming to her. Awesomeness!
5) Gy and I being alpha males- we high-five a lot... it's kinda scary.
6) New Car- I have a brand new Hyundai Elantra... its midnight blue... and it has a sunroof! For some reason, that's the quality I keep pointing out to people... it's name is Bonquesha Redux, for the curious.
So there ya go.

Have you ever wanted to punch a fat bitch? OR Protests, tabs, and the computer that wouldn't.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 02:07:04 GMT

Alright, the wide wide world of Policy debate runs fairly quickly: our group is the awesome, we're efficent, the computer does everything. So it was no surprise to us when the last round started and within two hours, the round was over AND it was tabulated AND we knew who would be participating in the run-off and elimination rounds. Oh, but no. Enter the halt. For some reason none of us know (possibly a protest), we sat on our happy asses with our schematics for two hours. Our event went from 1.5 hours early to 45 minutes late. Fuck you protests, fuck you.

So said round gets done, I turn in our ballots, and I look over at the LD people and I see... cards. For those of you not in debate, when you tabulate manually, you use index cards to represent each team. I ask 'why are they tabbing on cards' and the answer is 'the computer doesn't pair the round correctly'. Thankfully, the man who wrote the program was there to rewrite the program... but that still took two hours. Two hours of staring at this fabulous programmer write code. Jane, the coach from Grapevine who can't leave until we tabulate our event, decides that after a long day with hungry people who are doing literally nothing but stare at a man who is staring at a computer, videotapping the boredom would amuse her. I start to turn around to face the camera and she says 'no Jason, I want to film your bald spot'. I've never come closer to punching a fat woman in my life cause that is not what I needed to hear at that moment.

On the good news front, I have a blank financing check with which to purchase a car. It's so delicious I just may touch myself!

Flash Photography is not Permitted OR The Stampede That Could Stop Nationals

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 03:48:44 GMT

Welcome to our coverage of the NFL National Tournament! I have been blessed with the enviable position of Policy Debate ballot table and runner (oh thrill, actually, it's kinda fun, but ya know, hectic (but not really hectic, things run real smooth!)). Anywho, here are some of the days fun events:
1. After 4 rounds, judges are still forgetting to do basic things like MAKE A DECISION- I literally lost track of how many ballots came in with no winner listed on them. That's special.
2. People tend to forget to fill out the tops of ballots, like with their name and code.
3. I had a student who kept asking me if we were going to post US Extemp results... which is in a completley different school!
4. Barbra McCain put a personal ad for me in the tournament reporter, which is the newsletter that goes around the tournament. So far, no one seems interested in a single 20 something tab room worker.
5. We had a debate as to who should chastize the next (read: someone has done this once already) mother (not as in motherfucker, but maternal mother) who videotapes their child in a round "because I want him to remember nationals forever". We settled on the debate chairperson.
6. My old coach is the person in charge of hospitality for the whole tournament... more specifically... our tab room!
7. In the middle of tabbing round 4, our chair had to leave to handle a crisis. The problem? Cows had gotten loose from the agricultural studies area of the school. Yes, Grapevine HS has its own cattle. Yes, he had to help chase them down. When he said "I had to go to take care of cows", it took me literally 20 minutes to realize that the cows were NOT a metaphor.

Star Tarded OR Jason vs. Car Finance Guys: Who will win?

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 17:22:41 GMT

Today begins the beast, the process, the monster that is the NFL National Tournament. I'm in Policy Debate land, where 189 teams currently reside, but by Friday, only 2 will remain. I went to check in, and because the NFL uses the NFL database to process name badges, mine says: Jason Warren, Star Charter HS. That's right, I am the representative from Star Charter. Star's first at the national tournament. Get excited.

I got to Dallas on Thursday where I promptly faught with my father. It's what we do. It was over before it really started and the fight doesn't mean anything (it never does), but it still cracks me up how predictible the whole scenario is. We've been car shoppping and I think I've settled on the Hyundai Elantra. It's the pretty. But the financing guys are total duches.
First they take my credit information and come back with an 11% interest rate and some monthly payments. My dad agrees to cosign and we tell them we have to go pick up my mom from the doctor, we'll be right back. We come back, they haven't processed anything on my dad. Then they do, and what happens? The prices go UP. It makes no damn sense. We later find out they did not actually process my credit the first time, they just sorta guessed. WTF??? Do you want to sell me the car or not?

Don't buy a car guys, the hassle is not worth it. I should just buy a pony...

I hope they find semen in my dead grandmother's vagina OR Hey MLK, I had a fucking dream too!

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:29:32 GMT

So we watched Sarah Silverman's 'Jesus is Magic' last night, and holy shit, is THAT the most offensive shit I've ever seen. And I'm not offended by anything! For example, last night Jill was teasing me that Bryan is her favorite and not me anymore, and I was sad. Bryan said "I gave her a topic for next year, what did you give her?" and I responded "the best two years of my life asshole!". See, I take awkward situations and make them more awkward, but with lots of sarcasm and humor. Silverman, though, takes awkward to a whole new level with musical accompanyment. It's damn near brilliant.

In unrelated news, my friend is grading one of the AP exams (I won't say who or which exam, to protect all parties), but the secert to AP reading is that the readers have to read every word you write. I knew this back in the day- when I took the Microeconomics exam (it's free when you take the Macro test, and I never took the Micro class), I didn't know the last question, so I wrote a nine page story about President Clinton and little bunny fufu walking down capital hill trying to find Alan Greenspan to help them interpret this graph they saw in a textbook. Some poor bastard had to read every word... he he... ANYWHO, my friend reports the following: "My tablemate Zelda [not her actual name] read a test which included a lovely drawing of the American flag. I wonder if the student imagined it would be read on Flag Day? Underneath the flag was written, "by the way, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant." Are her parents ap readers? We wondered."

In further unrelated news, here's my schedule for the next three days (I leave for Dallas tonight):
Day 1: Get hair done, shop for cars, begin writing last chapter of thesis.
Day 2: Keep writing, get drunk watching USA vs. Italy, sober up and coach L/D for a friend, get more drunk.
Day 3: Begin tabbing policy debate, write thesis in free time.

Go freedom train go!

Nascar Rugby OR How I learned to stop worrying and love alcohol

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 08:10:05 GMT

We have decided, and by we I mean Gy, Bryan, and myself, that football now refers to that thing you Americans call soccer. Nascar rugby refers to a game where there's a pigskin thrown back and forth. Think about it- if Nascar and rugby had a child, it would look like American football. After all, that sport doesn't even involve the foot all that much. Real football, on the other hand, is motherfuckin hot. Why?
1. Football players are fucking hot.
2. Really, its fucking hot.
3. No commerical breaks except at the half.
4. Did I mention they are fucking hot?
5. No complicated rules.
6. No over commercialization.
7. Body contact, see 1,2, and 4.
8. My personal favorite- just as the half ends, the ref arbitrarilly adds another 1-4 minutes of stoppage time for time wasted dealing with fouls and such. It's brilliant. "How much time was wasted? Two minutes, eh, sounds good. Two more minutes!" Seriously, what's not to love?

On that note, I'm pissed at team USA for losing 3-0 this afternoon to the Czech Republic of all people. I mean really. The Australia game was hot- 3 goals in ten minutes after a shady goal by Japan. Get excited- World Cup is here!

To celebrate, I started drinking at 11am and never really stopped, but never got drunk. Who knew?

I thought anything I said when I was inside of you was confidential OR you must be the anti-just

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 02:06:38 GMT

Unjust is overused in contemporary media. Trust me, I know, because I've been reading a lot of media about justice and come to the following 'finding' (those of you who caught the reference, give yourselves a pat on the back. A little lower.... reach for it.... ah never mind, have someone else do it for you)- Scalia is the antijust. His repsonses to questions about his participation in a mysoginist alumni group boiled down to "nuh uh, who said?". I think he's the anti-just.

Let's see, what's happened recently... my friend Ann came to town and we spent four hours at Kriby Lane catching up on life. I've played poker with a group of breeders and took them for nine dollars, they seem scared of me. Especially when I put on sunglasses and give them a look like "yes, I did just fuck your mother, and no, she can't walk". I wrote a lot of my thesis, and spent some awesome time with the team catching up on life.

We saw 'Thank You For Smoking'- its preety damn good. Especially when the main character says "I'm sorry, I thought anything I said while inside of you was confidential information." During the film, two people definetly walked in 20 minutes late, fooled around behind us, disappeared, came back, and started doing stuff in the theater. I was tempted to hold up a camera phone behind me and snap a picture, but I thought that would give my notcing of them away.

NFL is in two weeks... and the World Cup starts on Frida... match 1: Germany vs. Costa Rica. Is Costa Rica even large enough to have space for a soccer field to practice on? I kid Costa Rica, I kid, but seriously, get excited.

Oh, and there IS Chipotle in Fairfax. So the move is ok!

Findings Make Her Giddy OR I Haven't Been Fucked Like That Since Grade School

Wed, 31 May 2006 20:16:25 GMT

B-Mac and I watched Fight Club last night, not for any apparent reason, but because Bryan said we should watch Fight Club the other night when Caetlin, Chevy, and Eric came over and we got blazed and watched Austin Powers and Saved. So Fight Club it was... oh man, I forget how much that movie rocks! Any movie with references to anal nitrate is the bomb. Which made us wonder: what the fuck is anal nitrate and why hasn't anyone ever heard of it? Bryan and I did some investigating, and we came to the following conclusion: anal nitrate is a form of nitrate used to fix anal fissures. I don't know what anal fissures are, but they don't sound good. Or they sound real good, ya know whatever. Follow up question: how does one shoot themselves in the face and live to tell the tale? We asked Edward Norton, any by Edward Norton, I mean I googled 'how does one shoot themselves in the face and live to tell the tale?' and got the following answer:

VN: One former teammate once described him as "one of the unhappiest men I've met." Do you think Lance Armstrong is happy?
DC: He is more driven than happy. As Floyd Landis puts it in the book, "Lance doesn't want to be hugged, he wants to kick everybody's ass."

I don't know the connection either, but thanks google!

In other more professional news, I met with my advisor today. We were discussing Chapter 3 (print media coverage of Supreme Court nominees: findings from nomination to the start of confirmation hearings) and every time I said the word 'findings' she giggled. Much like a school girl finding out the guy she's been teasing for months has a crush on her, because we all know teasing and pulling hair is the 4th grade equivalent of 'I need to get in your pants, but I don't know why'. It amused me. Try it for yourselves and see: talk to someone with a PhD and drop the word 'findings' into every day conversation. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

A tax on stupidity OR I have 78% support from the phone sex industry

Tue, 30 May 2006 22:05:30 GMT

While working on my thesis, I come across and here some funny things. Here are a few:

Silvio Burlusconi called 9 phone sex operators on the eve before the Italian prime minister election to find out how he was doing amonst voters in that industry. Seven said they would vote for him, two did not, but five did promise to titilate the lever after closing the curtain while thinking about him.

From my research on Harriet Miers:
“What really needs investigating is the bird-flu-like spread of state-sponsored gambling. Lottery tickets are what economists call an inferior good- demand grows as you go down the income scale. They are also highly taxed: at least 40% goes to the state, unless you think a lottery ticket itself is a tax on stupidity, in which case the tax is 100%”. Thanks Wall Street Journal for making my day just a little bit brighter!

From the NPR News Quiz 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me'!
“GM has announced they will be phasing out the Hummer, apparently sales of the H1 plummeted after the introduction of Viagra and other such medicine, because after all, why compensate when you can have the real thing?"

Sex is Life's Pop Quiz OR Is this Michael Jackson?

Sat, 27 May 2006 21:58:13 GMT

X-Men 3 is a must see for those of you haven't seen it. The screenplay is admitedly lacking, but its very entertaining and a fun film. Particularly if you're into deconstructing the latent homosexual themes in the film. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'll try not to spoil it too much, but consider:
1. The premise of the film is that a cure has been created to stop the mutated gene. Do we correct humanities errors with the miracle of modern medicine or do we just accept people for who they are?
2. Ben Foster plays Angel, a man who in his youth attempted to shave his mutation (angel wings) off his back to earn the respect of his father, whom he was afraid to confront about his differentness. Ben doesn't say much in the film, except he's really hot and resists the cure so he can be who he is.
3. Pyro and Iceman, need I say more?
4. Juggernaut screams 'I'm juggernaut bitch!' to a five year old girl inexplicably. It's the awesome.
5. Mutation is depicted as differentness, something worthy of societal exclusion where only safe spaces (gay clubs) where people share their superpowers are free from discrimination.
6. There is an ongoing dialogue as to whether or not the x-gene is a 'disease'... hmm... if that isn't overt, I'm not sure what is.

I think Prince appeared in the movie, but I could be dead wrong. The beauty of seeing it at the Alamo Draft House, though, is the special set of previews you get to see pre-movie. Por ejemplo:
1. Old X-Men cartoons: did anyone notice that all the voice actors from the cartoon series had australian accents?
2. An advertisement for Boy Band sing-a-long night: it's June 8th, mark your calendars for drunken deliciousness...
3. An advertisement for the screening of The Invisible Child- a horendous made-for-Lifetime movie inexplicably staring Victor Garber (from Alias fame) as the husband of a woman who has three daughters: two real, one imaginery. Hilarity ensures when they hire a babysitter who is often chastized for failing to take care of the invisible daughter on frequent occasion. A movie so bad that you are not only allowed to mock it openly during the screening, you're encouraged to do so.
4. Snakes on a plane- it's coming, and you'll love it.
5. Not necessarily a preview here, but the theater ran out of popcorn. That's right, a movie theater ran out of popcorn. That's tantamount to Barnes and Noble running out of magazines or coffee. Sure, I run out of popcorn all the damn time, but I'm not a fuckin movie theater, so its ok that I don't have popcorn at every waking moment. At a movie theater, when you run out of popcorn, you're essentially saying 'we're douche bags who don't know any better, and honestly, I don't know why I came into work today. I might as well just kill myself now'. Waitress, if you're reading this, I don't blame you, but deep down inside, I kinda do.

There's more to it than that, but I don't want to spoil anything if you haven't seen it. We decided at dinner before the movie (We= me, Marty, Nicole, and Donald) that sex is the pop quiz of life: you have to be ready for it at all times, and if you ain't it could ruin you. You don't know when it's going to happen, it just does, and your skills need to be honed to handle it effectively. Think of relationships as 'studying' for life's little quizzes that pop up when you least expect them. Like in movie theaters... cause lord knows you get hungry watching that shit... and there may be no popcorn for you to eat...

Now I'm back to working on my thesis. Bryan just came in and asked if a Savage Garden song was being played by Michael Jackson. Savage Garden's 'Chained to You' no less, one of their big hits. How do you confuse the two? Maybe more popcorn will reenergize his music tastes.

Oh, it's time for a joke: what's the difference between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neal Armstrong walked on the moon.... and Michael Jackson... fucks little boys.

Enjoy that, back to reading about Harriet Miers...

When Gy Comes a Knockin OR Movin on Down to the Porn Store

Mon, 22 May 2006 23:03:44 GMT

Yesterday I'm just minding my own business... unpacking my groceriers, takin care of some stuff in the kitchen, listening to my iPod, dancing in my usual gay way, when a creepy shadowy figure starts pounding on my door. I screamed like a little girl, I was so whigged out. It turned out to be Gy, who was trying to help Chevy move, but she hadn't gotten to Austin yet because her parents stopped ten times between Dallas and Austin. So he came over, and I guess how I spent the rest of the evening? The answer is both moving and getting free Olive Garden, which was delicious and sweaty.
Post dinner, we spent about five hours essentially just sharing stories about our um, shall we say, previous indiscretions? Fast forward to four in the morning, we're driving to the porn store so Theresa can see what a porn booth looks like. The one we selected looked much like what a porn both would look like after an Umpa Loompa relieved himself after watching "Big Bird, Bigger Feathers". I tried to convince her to buy "Big Black Gangbang #13", but she wasn't going for it.

I fuckin love summer!

I'm in love with Bev the Stripper OR T-Bone the Red-Necked Puerto Rican

Mon, 22 May 2006 00:57:11 GMT

You know what really grinds my gears? When the Family Guy season finale is actually just the Family Guy movie... total rip off and I have half a mind to cut a bitch because of it.
Anywho, Joe Knudsen was in town visiting Marty and we had many fun adventures. One night, Marty, Frank, Joe and I are at the Mesa Hills Cafe (by my apartment) and Joe goes off to talk to his significant other on the phone. That's when we met Bev. She sat down and introduced herself as a stripper whose boyfriend is filming a movie that involves using the convenience store across the street. I don't think the movie has anything to do with her stripping, but I wouldn't be surprised if it does. She's been in Austin two weeks and already found her favorite bar. And apparently we're her no favorite bar mates.

PS- I just saw a sequel for the 'Fast and the Furious' called Tokyo Drift. Clearly it's the awesome.

OK, back on point: so if you're a stripper, why do you introduce yourself as such? I don't run up to random strangers at a bar and say "Hey, I'm Jason, I make a living by listening to college kids talk about stuff that probably doesn't interest you. Wanna make out?" Cause I don't quite think that's how it works. Thank god she didn't offer a free demonstration...

The night before I was out drinkin downtown with the aforementioned group plus Peterson and Donald where Donald made a new friend: T-Bone, the red neck puerto rican. We didn't make that name up, T-Bone did. Now that Donald has graduated, I felt justified in urging Donald into boning the T-Bone, which didn't actually happen, but T-Bone in the middle of a Donald and random stranger sandwhich was more delicious than miracle whip. Bar culture is clearly awesome.

It makes me sniggle when... OR The Information Stupid Highway

Thu, 18 May 2006 20:27:46 GMT

I hate the internet at my apartment because it cuts in and out on me at random times. Like this morning when I really needed to pull material for my thesis. Damn you internet (that I freeload from my neighbors).

On a lighter note, I went to Kneaded Pleasure (overpriced bakery by my apartment with free internet) and found an article by Dan Balz.

Please believe it's in the thesis. Page 31.

JW

Wait wait, don't tell me my thesis sucks OR insta-tournament, just add alumn

Thu, 18 May 2006 03:51:19 GMT

This has been an interesting last several days. Let's go to the play by play:
1. The TOC- So I show up Thursday evening thinking all we're going to do is basic last minute double checks and final preperations... oh no, we're not. We're building a tournament from ground zero- and the best part? Eight different people have the data we need to run the damn thing. Thursday and Friday was me doing tournament assembly and Saturday and Sunday was me running the bitch. It was awesome though: two UTNIFers finaled, one told me I was one of the most influential people he's ever met, and that warmed my heart. Oh, and one of the finalists told me that Israel and Palestine used to be friends. I do my fair share of mind-altering activity, but I've never entered a universe so whackly parallel to this one that the Arabs and Jews loved each other... the closest I've seen to that was me attending Mana Hamid's wedding. And I'm an atheist. Shout out to Shep, Diane Forbes, the Southlake kids, C-4 Carter, Kristyn, Brandon, and Mama K for their help.
2. Advisor meeting- basically, we're on course. The parts I thought sucked are apparently amazing and the parts I really liked need touching up. Question mark? Shout out to Dr. Jarvis for her awesome advice!
3. Gy's birthday- Bryan McCann and I schooled Gy, Frank, Donald, and Nicole in a game of shuffle puck. Bryan and I are the awesome, that's right I said it. The evening ended in a blaze (emphasis on blaze) of glory watching Legally Blonde. Why do I fuckin love impractical comedy?
4. Jason discovers "Wait wait, don't tell me"- it's an NPR current events quiz that's absolutley freakin hilarious. To find out more, pull up your iTunes podcast and listen, it's definetively the bomb.com
5. Reality TV ends- not for ever, don't get your hopes up. Aras wins Survivor, and well deservedly so, he played an awesomely competitive and balsy game, and I applaud him for that. Oh, and the hippies (BJ and Tyler, he he, his name is BJ) won the Amazing Race!!! I'm so glad they beat the frat boys, who are uber cute, but like I tell my friends: before I fuck your brains out, you have to have brains to begin with.

So that's the past few weeks. Thoughts?

Apologetics OR Impromptu + Jesus = Fun

Sat, 13 May 2006 03:29:14 GMT

Here at the TOC, we accept competitors from all walks of life, whether or not they know what extemp is, and from various national leagues like NFL and CFL and NHSCA: the National Homeschool Christian Association. One fine competitor received a semi-final award at last year's contest in apologetics. Like thte title suggests, it's where impromptu and jesus collide. Below, Jon and I offer sample answers to actual questions posed in apologetics. Enjoy!
In what ways has God revealed himself to man? Mostly by opening his trenchocat.
If God is real, why can’t people see or touch him? By Megan’s Law, god is required to notify you.
If God is holy, why did he allow sin in the world? Because god is holy, they need to be filled.
How can God be both merciful and just? Anal Sex
How can God be one yet three? One dick, three holes. Nostrils count
Open theology states that God is constantly changing and growing with his creation? (re:arousal). Respond to this biblically. If god is growing, whom am I to deny his growth? PS, I don't want to be split in half. After all, doesn't it grow before its inside me?
Open theology states that God is constantly growning and chaning with his creation. Respond to this logically and pragmatically. Much like man, god thinks with his penis.
Why is the unchanging nature of God critical to who he is? Cause that kind of change, would make him not a he.
The Bible says god is in all of us. Respond to this biblically. Really? Really? That's just way too easy (much like God aparently, after reading these questions, he's quite the ladiesman (and mans man)).

Really good with the talky talk...

Thu, 11 May 2006 21:06:54 GMT

I'm in Chicago for the TOC and so far it's been a hoot: I caught up with my friend Dara who published an article in the Loyola law review and will be the law review editor next year! That's the awesome!

On the dirka dirka side, I just now started contacting old friends in Chicago and trying to get in touch with them. Plus it's rainy and shitty weather wise. Maybe some of the old haunts are the fun: our hotel is across the street from Nevin's, a cool Irish bar.

Uh, yeah, dirka dirka.

Something Random

Wed, 10 May 2006 06:41:39 GMT

I found this survey in another livejournal. Try it, it's the fun.

google the following prompts in google images and post the first thing that shows up.

1. Your age on your next birthday: 25

2. Your favorite color: teal

3. Your middle name: Lawrence

Three for three on women... awesome
4. Last Meal: Dublin Mudslide Ice Cream

5. Bad Habit: Giving people the button

6. Your Favorite Fruit or Vegetable: Johnathan Rhys Meyers (hey, let a man dream)

7. Your favorite animal: Casey my dog
Note: this isn't my dog.
8. The town you live in: Austin

9. The Name of your last pet or sibling: Casey

10. Your nickname: Shifty

11. The Closest Red Thing to you: Trivial Pursuit, 6th edition

12. What you're listening to right now: Wicked

13. Your current job: speech coach

14. Something you are wearing right now: Nothing

I want a slutty slummer OR how I learned to love Gramscian theory

Wed, 10 May 2006 05:36:17 GMT

Frank, Marty and I rented the film Sluttly Summer and watched it tonight... it's exactly NOT what you think it is. The concept is supposed to be how some guy catches his boyfriend of four years cheating on him and decides to throw away concepts of love and romance for taudry stupid sex, in reality, the protagonist isn't slutty at all. He falls in love with a coworker and convinces him to have a real relationship. There wasn't sluttiness. There was barely even sex. I've seen more sluttiness happen in a round of CA. Hell, I've been sluttier in a round of CA myself (those of you who remember the Guerilla Queer Bar speech, you know what I'm talking about). I was thoroughly disappointed. If you're into mocking how bad a movie can be in terms of acting, plot, writing, and production quality, you'd get a kick out of it. Don't rent it thinking it's going to be a genuinely good time.

One paper down, one to go. I just wrote a whole section of my term paper on Zapatista Netwar's and social movement strategy when I found out that a major travesity occured in Mexico city and there are protests tomorrow. I really want to go but a) I need to work on my paper and b) it could change my project significantly, regradless of my attendance. Decisions decisions... but I did find a way to work Gramscian hegemony theory into my discussion, which is arguably the most intelligent academic decision I've made in a while.

Bust out the cameras, its gonna be hilarious OR why does everyone's Intro suck?

Mon, 08 May 2006 01:26:23 GMT

I'm at the CMA, watching the speech team film a series of performances for a website on example public speaking. Of course the Informatives, Persuasives, and the ADS speeches are good and polished and what not. It's the introductions- as in speeches where you introduce yourself or a friend, that our kids just can't handle. My favorite lines:

"She likes pizza. But hold the pepperoni, because she's a vegetarian!"
"I like to, um, do stuff."
"She's a power forward, a real force on the soccer field"
"Why is this so damn hard?"
"I wanna be an astronaut"
"He's raising money for autistic children by hosting a softball tournament."
"She likes to talk about research, sometimes to the point where its irritating"
"She has a lot of cats. Really. A lot."
"He likes to teach theater to special needs children."

We had to take twelve takes of Mary Kate and Eric introducing each other where MK couldn't get through it without giggling and Eric couldn't do it without saying something off the wall which made us laugh: at one point, he basically called MK a prosittute and at another, made it sound like they were dating rather than introducing each other.

Ten minute professional speeches we can do. Stand up and talk about yourself for two minutes, all you get is dirka dirka.

Mission Impossible: Grad School Edition OR Why I Would Cut Off My Left Nut for Johnathan Rhys Meyers

Sat, 06 May 2006 22:52:08 GMT

So Nicole, Marty, and I went to go see Mission Impossible 3 last night. The plot can only be described as dirka dirka: so many essential components were missing! I won't ruin it for you, but if you've seen it and find yourself asking questions like "what the hell is that" or "did I just miss something", trust me, you're not alone.

The movie was a welcome distraction from my own impossible mission: finishing two term papers by Wednesday night. They don't really have to be finished by then: one's due Friday, one's due the following Monday, but I'm going to Chicago to have fun time at the Extemp TOC (check out the action live at www.tocextemp.com) and see old friends and what not. The mission is quite impossible because I don't really care about most of what I'm writing: do you care about the isomoprhic pressures intergovernmental organizations pose to organizational development? I sure as hell don't. But alas, it's the irony of grad school: come learn in depth about things you don't care about so you can go be a foensics coach. It's really like learning to make sausage when I know all I'm gonna do is cook pasta for the rest of time (not that coaching is easy, but compared to academia, I think it is). Oh, and if you didn't get that analogy, go look up how to make sausage. It's hard, real hard.

Speaking of hard, Johnathan Rhys Meyers is fucking hot. I'd like to bend him like Beckam and score a match point on his face. Now that's a mission impossible. Seriously, go see MI3: at the very least, you'll get an hour and a half of pretty. If you're lucky like us, we got to see a preview for Risky Business AND the infamous Oprah episode where she jumps on the couch when Tom Cruise comes. Tom Cruise used to be cute and fuckable. Now he's cute, fuckable, and a huge deuche.

Hey, wait a minute... maybe the phatans are taking over my body and causing me this torture... hmm, ponder that while I prey the next cancer stick will kill me before I have to finish these papers.

An academic micro-orgasm

Fri, 05 May 2006 20:03:38 GMT

Those of you in the world of academia know a truism about the end of the semester: the end of any semester of graduate school sucks (insert genitalia of your preference here). Far be it from me to diverge from the trend: I'm bogged down in three different projects, two due next week and one I turned in today. Trying to graduate is hard. But today, a small victory! While researching the effects of intergovernemntal institutions on organizational change (note to future grad students: the more nouns and adjectives you use, the better; preferably if they are long and would unlikely be used in everyday conversation), I came across a reference to Benjamin Barber's Jihad vs. McWorld. I was so happy!

But alas, I turned to the works cited page and she quoted the article from Atlantic Monthly, not the book. I rushed to my bookshelf, flipped open to chapter ten, and found a paragraph that refuted her reference. I achieved an academic micro-orgasm (think of it as a bitchslap in the context of previous note about nouns and adjectives good). HA HA! FUCK YOU PRETENTIOUS RESEARCHING BITCHES!

In case anyone into research is reading this, I'm only kidding about that last part. But if you're not, then I'm totally serious.

Things that are getting me through the day:
1. Going to Mission Impossible 3 tonight with Nicole and Marty
2. Fuckloads of Diet Coke
3. The Empowerment of finishing a draft of a chapter of my thesis
4. The cigarette I am about to smoke.

PS- I totally just edited this for punctuation, which means I think I am turning into one of those aforemention 'pretentious research bitches'. Advantage one of coaching in college: little/no expectation to publish :)

You keep shimying like that...

Thu, 04 May 2006 13:51:52 GMT

and he'll give you the money one dollar at a time. Or so Howie Mandel told this dancing woman on Deal or No Deal last night (if you haven't been watching, it's the best game show EVER). This woman isn't doing so hot (I'm watching it on TIVO) and loves to shimy. The best is when her 65 year old Asian mother does it, that's just priceless.

Things I shouldn't have done to distract me:
1. Drink last night. Thanks Gy! Why are you the best thing that happened to my social life and the worst thing to happen to my productivity?
2. Buy Four Swords Adventures. For you Zelda fans, its more different Link to the Past.
3. Judge UIL State, I'm supposed to do that over the next two days. But do I really have time?
4. Downloading I'm in love with a stripper- that song is goregeous.

Alright the Asian contagion is down to $5, 100, 400, 25000, 75000 and her boyfriend is really f'in hot. Too bad she messed up the game so bad by knocking out a million dollars on the first case. Oops, 75000 is out. Ha ha!

By my powers combined...

Wed, 03 May 2006 23:26:06 GMT

http://utexas.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2076001&l=0784c&id=7929934

Live Journal and Facebook collide to create picture sharing awesomness from last night's debauchery! Well, it wasn't debaucherous... but survey says it was damn near offensive. Now if only I could put my blog on my facebook... hmmm...

Oh, and from the White House Press Correspondant's dinner, this is downright hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_VK-tg1THM&feature=Views&page=1&t=t&f=b

If anyone has footage of Stephen Colbert's speech, which I heard was more different, let me know.